Confessional Ramblings

Ditched For Drugs.

2006-03-08T05:19:35Z

Point blank, I must have done something horribly wrong in a past life, because I'm getting the royalty of sucky treatments. By my own accord, of course. Between being stood up for a deep seated drug-induced oblivion (yeah, I actually got stood up so some guy could get high) and then to further push the proverbial knife in my heart, Miles has a girlfriend! Like four freaking days after he asks me on a date. Oh! I almost forgot, further insult to injury, Christy and I aren't really talking anymore. Why? I don't know. I thought we had worked it out. I can't blame it all on her, communication is a two way street...but, still. It just plain sucks. I look at her recent pictures and it's like the wind is knocked right out of my lungs. I'm such a wimp.

You know that old saying your parents told you when you were soaring high in high school, there's no where to go but down once you reach the top? Yeah, see, that's what I'm thinking is happening all around me. I'm going down, rapidly. I was at the top of my game, school was great, job was trekking along and I had the world at my fingertips. Then, by a vicious cycle of events, reality smacked me hard in the face. Some of it brought on by own desire and need to get back control of my life. Ha. Yeah, right. Control. What a joke. I'm losing it. Quickly. Steadily. My mind is spinning, my emotions run dry from the myriad of experiences consuming me, and my heart...well, I must say, my heart has definitely taken a beating. Bit by bit, I'm going numb...at least, I hope I am. No more pain. No more doubt. Just complete and utter silence and relief.

I've been reading more lately. I slacked off recently. Relief is found between the pages of fiction. I'm such a nerd, but aside from the deeply rooted, completely justified hatred of drugs, I'll take the soothing flow of conjoined words over a quick fix. Day in and day out, my mind is consumed with the very idea of freedom: I want my own place. Badly. Out of the watchful eye of my parents, and just alone. Alone so I can do my thing. Another form of relief: the impending possibility of total freedom. My mantra: Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State...for Graduate school. These next couple of years can't move fast enough.

I know it's not exactly the most logical way of dealing with simmering issues, wishing time to fly by and all, but who can blame me? The laundry list of bad experiences in dating is driving me just to be alone. Focus on school and work. Just be me and to hell with everything else. I don't think I can take losing much more control of my emotions...I'm about to crack and fall apart. People tell me I'm young, I have so much ahead of me. But, doesn't everybody get it? What is the pure definition of young? I mean, really...it is so easy to aruge that 40 is the new 20, that in the purest form of reality, there is no chronological age, just experiential age. Learn from experience, nothing within the boundaries of knowledge is innate. Mind and heart are blank slates, ready to be dirtied, written upon and wiped clean for another lesson.

People (namely one person who is not going to be introduced) tell me I don't take enough risks. How's this for risk taking: I stepped out of the shadows of depression, opened myself up to healing and growth. In my mind, I won that battle and I'm winning the war. I gave up my virginity for the off chance, I would be fully loved and cherished. I recovered from the afterschocks and bounced back, heart and mind still gearing for integrity and dignity. I took a chance on a certain boy, opened myself up physically once again, and yet managed to get burned one more time. But, on the upside, I learned a valuable lesson about myself: I'm a big girl and I can mess around and be messed with. I put myself back out on the market, available for anyone to tread upon and both times, I found myself being shoved back into the darkness of humiliation. I'm not an idiot, so don't make me feel like one.

If those aren't risks, then I don't know what is. Every day is a risk. No matter what decisions are made or not made. But there comes a point where it's time to take a step back, take a deep breath and will yourself to move on, minus a proposed new route.

Numbness has set in, and now to move onwards and upwards...but then again, I'm just another girl that was ditched for drugs.

Seriously Now.

2006-02-05T09:05:18Z

I mean, really now...I hate this. I have a very gorgeous guy sleeping downstairs in my sofa chair and he won't even get up and come sleep in the same bed as I am! I must have something tattooed on my head. Because, seriously, this is ridculous. I'm actually mad. Pissed, even. Should I be mad? I know there's nothing between this guy and I, but still...the principle of the matter if what's of major prominence. I honestly could punch a hole in the wall, I'm that mad. I'm obviously diseased, or just plain repulsive. I don't know. Either or.

Wow. I'm such a loser. I'm going now. :P I vented.

My Wish List

2006-01-27T04:51:41Z

Upon sitting in my Western Civilization history class, I realized just how much I wanted to travel the world and experience the wonders of it all. I know it sounds corny, but I've been dreaming of traveling since I can remember. So, here's all I wish to do:

1. Visit Glacier National Park.
2. Hike through the Grand Canyon.
3. Learn how to skydive.
4. Travel through Africa.
5. Go on a Safari.
6. Take a wilderness survival class.
7. Take kickboxing classes.
8. Hike some of the Appalacian Trail.
9. Stay at a vineyard.
10. Backpack through Europe.
11. Visit Mt. St. Helens.
12. Go to Hawaii.
13. Travel the ancient ruins of Mexico and South America.
14. Go to Greece.
15. Go whitewater rafting.
16. Travel to all 50 states.
17. Visit Israel.
18. Go to the Caribbean.

I know it's vague...but, with much more time I'm going to list some specifics. And, with much determination, I'm going to fulfill this exotic wish list. :)

I Just Realized Something...

2005-10-19T18:29:39Z

That a few entries ago, I swore off boys. I guess that was a no-win situation. Haha. Typical me! Always the one to fall back of her own personal vendettas against the world...

Just Another Day...

2005-10-19T18:27:30Z

Why am I so jealous all of a sudden? Perhaps, it's the fact that Joel would rather hang out with Katie, a girl he only met a little over a month ago, than with me. What does that say about me? I'm hoping it's nothing, because that would hurt. I know I have no right to claim possession over Joel, but yet somehow, it feels that I should just because I've known him longer. Much longer. Ack...what kind of excuse is that? I'm a horrible, rotten person for giving that kind of stupid excuse. I just...there are times when I just wish Joel would call me up and say, Hey Sam! Let's go hang out. I sound like such a child. I'm being a baby right now. *sighs*

On the other side of the tracks, everything seems to alright in my life. For the time being. No major drama has unfolded in the last day or so. :P And! i'm going to Indiana with Christy over Christmas Break. Yay! I get to see Andrew...oh, yes...how could I forget to mention Andrew? My newest, and latest crush. Not practical in the very least, I seem to have developed quite the major thing for him. He lives in Lafayette...but, that hasn't stopped me from liking his brutal sarcasm, quick wit and one-liners, or his innate ability to make laugh--even through a computer screen. I can't wait to see him over Break.

The countdown has begun.

2 Months and 7 days.

Back Again To Gripe...

2005-09-18T06:59:22Z

So...I'm back again, and this is definitely not a happy-go-lucky entry. Well, in some instances it is, but in others...I'm back to square one. I'm back to complain and moan and groan about my pathetic, pitiful existance.

I feel so utterly alone and worthless. Again. I thought, for sure, I had moved on from all of this. But, truthfully, I think I just filed it away in a rusty old filing cabinet in the back of mind and it's finally broken wide open, spilling its ruthless contents all over the place. Ack. I need drugs. AGAIN! lol.

Tonight, the gang and I went to a Woodale concert (a local band) and I felt like the ugliest, most hideous person there. Why? I don't really know. I just did and there's no explanations. Just self accusations. Ugh.

I think I'm going to go throw myself a pity party. Watch The Notebook, pout and be miserable. lol.

Point One for My Instincts...

2005-07-19T20:11:49Z

How right they were. How right my paranoid mind was. He never called. We never went out. I knew better than to *ever* expect anything. So, I cried and blubbered and blamed everything else in the world but myself. For the stupidty I carried around, toting it here and there in hopes that it would transcend into intelligence. I was wrong in that department. Hmm...I'm a rather interesting specimen...I'm right and wrong at the very same time. Go figure. I'm a scientific anomaly.

Even though I ate a half a pound of chocolate covered peanuts, I found myself in high spirits after I discovered the endless depths of my courage and conviction not to be the girl I had been before. So, therefore, I am going to do just about anything that it takes for me to stay the sane, perfectly content person that I am right now.

(Okay, so this is going to take a little bit of mental and emotional foolery on my part, but I *can* and *will* accomplish this mega-feat...)

One small step for me, one giant leap for my mind and heart.

No more boys allowed in my world. That is a definite. I guess, I'm in a long haul for some more alone time...

Strong Emotions Swirling...

2005-07-14T01:34:45Z

...around my head right now. I have this strange inkling of doubt that is simmering and bubbling in the pit of my stomach just waiting to burst over the rim and explode with a fiery vengence. Why, you ask? Doubt about the impending "date" with Tony this weekend. I actually managed to snag a couple extra days in this dismal state to have this "date." But, my female intuition (or, maybe it's just PMS...) is telling me something is wrong with this entire picture. I have made a list of some points that further explain my seemingly endless chapters of doubts:

Exhibit A: Tony is probably considering this a get-together rather than the A-typical date. In that case, I will end up looking like a complete, utter and total idiot, which I usually am when it comes to dating and realm of relationships.

Exhibit B: He lost my number last time he was supposed to call me, what would stop him from losing my number this time? Hmmm...?

Exhibit C: He may not even want to be bothered with me by "hanging out." He didn't seem all that thrilled when he said he would call me. But, then again, maybe it's just my paranoia speaking at this particular moment...

Well, you see...those are logical doubts that one may have before this kind of get-together, persay. I feel I have presented just enough evidence to settle this case of the scared, doubtful emotions. Most would say I'm definitely being paranoid, but really, how can you blame me after my track record? I'm like the Red Sox. Cursed, to the point it almost seems irrevocable.

Then again, they did win the World Series last year. YEAH! After eighty-six years. I really don't want to have to wait *that* long to get together with Tony. This is a monumental occasion in my pathetically lonely life and I'm trying oh-so desperately to bask in the glory of my apparent victory in the dating world but my old suspicions and paranoia are bombaring my senses. I want to protect my heart from being that hurt and that broken again, and then on the other side of the fence, I'm trying to live my life normally...can those two things even co-exist in my mental parallel universe?

That's a very good question. One to which I do not hold the answer. I don't hold the answers to many of mental breakdown questions...maybe, that's why I enjoy the solo pity parties that my tragically defunct brain throws for me once to twice a week. I seriously need some powerful therapy again...yet, I have come a long way in Land of the Neurotic. I may be voted Queen some day... :P

At least, I struck a partial smile at the end of that sentence, instead of asking once again, have I ever told you I'm pathetic?

5daysinoctober @ 2005-07-11T13:24:00

2005-07-11T17:24:56Z

	You Are? by Osaku
	This is about you and me..err I mean you...
	Name	Samantha
	Nickname(s)	Sam, Michele, Sammy, SammyBoo, Sami Ami Am, Sameroo
	Age	18
	Hair Color	Strawberry-blond
	Natural Hair Color (if different)	N/A
	Eye Color	Blue
	Height	5'4.5"
	Righty/Lefty	Righty
	Innie/Outtie	Innie
	Birthplace	Rutland, Vermont
	Sign	Capricorn
	Glasses/Contacts/"I Can See"	Glassses...sadly, no 20/20 vision for moi.
	Birthmarks	None.
	Song that Describes Your life	Autobiography -- Ashlee Simpson
	Relationships (aww)...
	Are You In Love	Yes...(giggles)
	Who Are Your Best Friends	Kate, Tori, and Christy.
	Do you Intend/Want to Get Married	Yes, I do...but it might not be for a while considering my track record in love.
	If So, Where	The beach in Rhode Island
	Do You Want a Family (kids!!!)	:) Yep.
	If So, How Many	2...at most. lol.
	If So, Boy/Girl/Doesn't Matter	Both...
	Aspirations (You go-getter you)...
	What You Wanted to Be When You Were a Kid	A doctor.
	What Do You Want to Be Now	I want to work in a publishing company.
	Where Do You Want to Live	New York City.
	Where Do You Want to Visit	Hawaii and Venice, Italy.
	Where Have You Been That You'd Rather Be Right Now	Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
	What Would You Change About Yourself, Given the Opportunity	My spastic nature that usually reverts into a debilitating and shy cautiousness when it comes to new and tough situations.
	Favorites...
	Place (Near or Far, it doesn't matter)	Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
	Vacation Spot	In my dreams...Venice, Italy.
	Shopping Location	American Eagle and Coach.
	Music Genre	Country and Pop.
	Band	Rascall Flatts.
	Color	Pink.
	Flower	Lillies and daisies.
	Smell	Vanilla and apple pie.
	Shampoo	Finesse.
	Ice Cream	Chubby Hubby by Ben & Jerry's.
	Website	Can't decide.
	Car	BMW...any series.
	Movie	Some Like It Hot
	Actor	Tom Cruise...lol.
	Actress	Doris Day and Marilyn Monroe.
	Holiday	Christmas.
	Soda	Coke...plain, though, not that fancy Vanilla or Lime crap they sell now.
	Book	Too many to decide, but definitely one of my favorites is Frankenstein by Mary Shelley.
	Game (Board/Computer/Word/Drinking..It's all good)	Can't decide. Sorry.
	Either/Or...
	Responsibility/Simplicity/Both(?)	Both...you can certainly achieve simplicity in responsibility.
	Pop/Rock/Rap	Pop.
	Work/Play	Can't you have both? (evil smile)
	Car/Train/Plane	Car...I love long car rides. It's relaxing.
	Cat/Dog	Dogs...because I have two...Brutus and Taz.
	Coke/Pepsi	Coke...didn't I already answer this question in some form?
	Color/B&W (photos)	Black and white photos hold a certain innate and simple beauty that color pictures can't really capture. I've always been partial to black and white photos.
	Tomato/Chicken Noodle	Chicken noodle...tomato...EWW!
	Noon/Midnight	Noon...midnight is a bad part of the day for me, for I am stricken with a paralyzing fear of the dark. Don't laugh at me. :(
	Hot/Cold	Cold...I'd rather layer than strip. I'm not that comfortable with myself.
	Dawn/Dusk	Dusk...I'm generally asleep when dawn arrives.
	Books/Movies	Hmm...good question...both. But, always read the book before you watch the movie because the book is usually better than the movie.
	Did You or Do You...
	Have and Siblings	Too many to name right now.
	Cry Easily	Not really...I don't like to cry because it gives me a really nasty headache.
	Think You are Smart	Some days...
	Act Your Age	Again...some days...
	Have Any Tattoos	Nope...but, I plan on getting on soon.
	Have Any Piercings	Yes...both my ears are pierced.
	Have Any Pets	Yep...two doggies... :P I luff them!!
	Get Jealous	Hell yeah. I AM human!
	Ever Like Boy Bands	Oh, yeah! *NSYNC FOREVER!
	Believe in God/Allah/Jesus/etc.	Believe in God, yes I do. (My Yoda impersonation!)
	Take Criticism Well	Sometimes...
	Have You Ever...
	Gotten Drunk Before	Tipsy...not drunk.
	Smoked (cigarettes)	EWW! You should take that as a no.
	Done Drugs (Any)	Do you think I'm stupid?
	Kissed a Member of the Opposite Sex	Ugh...yeah? lol. Kissing is nice.
	Kissed a Member of the Same Sex	Yes...as a dare and as a test of restraint for my friend's boyfriend.
	Been on an Airplane	Many a time.
	Been on First Class on an Airplane	NO! But, I want to! They have free warm towels!
	Skinny Dipped	No...I'm too shy.
	Had Sex	Yes...bad sex, though. Bleck.
	Take this Survgen survey!

GrRrRrRrrrrr....

2005-07-11T15:34:09Z

This sucks.

That's all I have to say about that. Okay, maybe I should explain why this situation I've found myself in sucks. Tony's very belated Grad. Party was yesterday...totally fun, and then he asked to hang out and go to the movies this weekend. Totally and completely awesome, right? Wrong. I'm leaving before the weekend to go back home. That's why this sucks. I never get the oppurtunity to *actually* go out with the guy I like and now that I can, I have to leave go to back home. I'd rather stay here for the extra couple of days to see him!!! GrrrrrrRRRRRRRRrrrrrr!!!

I'm going to call him...yeah, as if I can get hold of him since he bounces here, there and everywhere...and, ask him to bump up the little date. Hopefully he will...even though he works from 5:30 in the morning til six at night...

Here's my prayer to the Heavens above...please, please, please, please let me be able to see and hang out with Tony before I leave...PLEASE!!!

LOL. Have I ever told you I'm pathetic?

Vermont Installment

2005-06-26T00:08:45Z

Happy Birthday Aimee!! :)

Okay, so I'm back in Vermont for the first time since my grandfather died. Wow. It's been a whirlwind of activity. Let me tell you. Between the chores my grandmother has methodically planned out for me, I've been hanging out with my friends as much as I possibly can. But, I have recently discovered that my life-long crush has reappeared in my life...and I am definitely in love with him. I think I always have been. He's always meant so much to me. I don't know what it is about him. He's wonderful, loyal, beautiful, funny, and everything else in between. Most of these entries have to do with boys...I'm thinking maybe I fall in love too easily, too quickly. But, then again, this boy is definitely different. I've loved him since I met him the first time in Second Grade. Can you blame me for having these feelings again? I didn't think so.

I only hope I can get to know him better...because I have lost touch with him the years I've lived in Florida. I only hope he lets me back in the way he used to. I only hope I can show him how wonderful he is, show him how beautiful the world can be. I want to show him the world. I want to show him everything. I only hope I can...

Love
-Me

Should've Known Better...

2005-05-08T22:59:25Z

...I really should have. I should have known that he wouldn't call, nor should I have expected him to *actually* come over. I should be used to being stood up, right? Between Brandon and the rest of the other jerks I manage to find myself attracted to, I should be completely and totally used to this hurt feeling.

But, I'm not and I won't ever be used to it.

Tear...Well, More Than One...

2005-04-20T00:18:41Z

He died April 18th, at 6:30 P.M.

...Miracles...

2005-04-17T23:42:32Z

Twenty-four to forty-eight hours. That's what we were told. And, now...(I don't say this very often now, do remember this...) God has blessed up with a a beautiful miracle. He's still alive. Sitting up, eating, talking, walking (with much help) and the determination and drive that made up his stubborn nature his entire life are shining through.

But, he's back tracked. He's growing weaker. Weaker by the day, by the hour and by the minute. The doctors have upped his morphine dosage, and he has to have the hospital bed upright to even take in raspy, shallow breaths. But, he's still holding on. Today, he's not going to die.

No words can describe what he looks like. My eyes seem to be playing nasty, cruel tricks on me. For, it's so hard to imagine my stubborn, grumpy-yet-totally-loveable Grandpa is...dying. He can't *really* be dying, right? That can't happen. He's invincible. But, then reality set in...he *is* dying. Dying so slowly that it's now starting to slowly kill the rest of us watching on from the sidelines. No dignity is left in his hollow, near-lifeless eyes. Life is draining from him, and time is the arch enemy. And, yet although, he's slipping away from us as the days wear on, so much love has begun to surface and sparkle and shine and relay through each of his small actions. Previously short, abrupt hugs now are long, fulfilling and breathe vitality back into us. Past unspoken words of love are now gushing out with spontaneity and devotion. It's reality and then again...it's *sur*real.

I am now starting to think about the impending summer I am to spend here...by then, my grandmother and I will be sorting out all of my Grandpa's possessions...particularly the massive quantities of books he has acquired throughout his amazing life. And, to think, by the end, I will be walking away with many of them for I am a Mini-William. I used to hate that, and now, there are no words to describe the way I feel when everyone says that. My Grandpa's shoes are rather large ones to fill, though. But, I think I can do it.

I, now, forever have the faith and knowledge that he believes in me, until time stands still.

Sad Calendar of Events...

2005-04-15T05:06:23Z

I'm home. In Vermont. And, not because of the happiest of reasons. My grandfather is dying. Slowly. Bit by bit, his body is giving up. Shouting out that it can't go on anymore. And, all I want to do is scream back, that it can make it. One more step, one more hill, just one more...everything. I'm watching him die, and I can't do a damn thing about it because, for once, something so altering, so permanent is out of my hands. If it were up to me, he wouldn't be dying. He wouldn't even be sick. He's my Grandpa and I want him around forever and ever and ever. But, that's just the little girl in me talking, isn't? The little girl who, somehow through every shadow, every doubt, every astrocity, still believes in happy endings and fairy tales. How naive of me.

He's strong, stubborn and ornery as all hell. And, he doesn't want to die today. Heart, liver, kidneys...they're all shutting down, but his will, his utter determination and his awe-inspiring drive for life lifts him above every part of him that's dying and gives him wings to just...live. I only wish to be so strong.

I'm eighteen and this will be my first funeral. My Grandpa is dying and I feel like dying right along with him. I have so many questions, so many things I wish to know but I just don't have enough time for. Trivial things, such as the Greek Gods and the faults of the alphabet and modern-day calendar, mean so much to him, just as much as that we're all here. We've all come to see him and spend his last days with him. I couldn't wish for anything more. I can only hope that one day I have people that I love surrounding me as I live out the rest of my days. Each part of him is reliving his life, and to think, me, my sister and his three children are his most amazing achievements. I want to make him proud.

So, English, here I come...

I won't let you down, Grandpa. I love you.

. . . . .

2005-02-11T03:59:51Z

I'm homesick...

Long Time No...Write?

2005-01-25T03:09:38Z

So, I'm 18 now...Wow. As you can plainly tell, I'm just oh-so enthusiastic about it...ehh...not really. Nothing was memorable about the day. At all. Except seeing Christy and Joel. Besides those two easily recognizable facets of my life, my eighteenth birthday was rather...dull. Yeah, dull is a good word to describe it. Sad day.

Christy's birthday is on Thursday. She'll be 17. My baby is growing up!! *wipes tear from corner of my eye* :) I love that girl. Coincidentally, her lovely birthday lands on Senior Skip Day, thus all of us are hanging out, hoping to make her day memorable and perfect. Although, 17 is not as big as your sixteenth or your 1eighteenth, it's still her day, and it *will be* perfect. I'm just hoping she likes her presents that I got her...but, I'm sure she will. :P

Onwards to the shaky, turbulent topic of Marshall. How do I describe Marshall? Easy. I can't. He's amazing, wonderful...everything I ever wanted out of someone, and yet...he terrifies me. Why? Honestly, because there's no way someone like him is real in my life. There's no way I'm amazing to someone like him. This is a joke...a mirage, even I can stretch it that far. HE'S a mirage. A hazy concoction that I've somehow managed to create in my ever-broken mind. Right? Somehow, I think I'm wrong on this one. Everything is so messed up in my head right now, I don't know what's right or wrong, true or fiction. And, that's why he terrifies me. Talking on the phone is one thing, but when it comes right down to it, will I be just as amazing in live, 3-D technicolor vision? I sure hope so.

And, yet on the downside of things, I still am eerily crazy about a boy named Nathan. Why? I don't quite think I'll ever figure that one out.

Talked to Rachel tonight. I miss her *so* much. Aside from Christy and Joel, she's someone I feel so at home with. Comfortable and accepted. No matter what. She's one of my angels...

Happy Days!

2005-01-04T02:13:46Z

So, I am in a very good mood today. Although, I'm rather tired, and I feel strangely like a zombie, today was a day for my good list. Definitely one for the good list. Christy had this crazy idea that her friend Marshall and I should talk, and yeah...it's working out. Most definitely. *big smile* Talked for a good three hours, and he's sending me a birthday card!! How sweet! This is something I want to pursue whole-heartedly. One step at a time, right? Right.

On top of going to bed with a smile and waking up with a smile, I Aced my research paper and my Algebra quiz, which put my day to an all time high...

18th Birthday Countdown: 8 Days.

Tiredness Is Setting In...

2005-01-02T02:41:19Z

This day would have been one for the record books, filing itself automatically under pure, and heavenly R&R, butttttt...unfortunately, I was summoned into the Hell Hole, a.k.a Papa John's. I woke up at one in the afternoon, ate a bowl of cereal, lounged in my pajamas and watched the New Year's Day College Football Bowl Games and took a shower. I would have continued to watch my football games, but I had to get dressed and go into work. Damnit. Iowa won, Michigan lost, and Georgia won, oh yes, and Florida State won. Wanted to watch the Texas/Michigan Rose Bowl Game...stupid work.

Joe is going to quit. Suckiness to the extreme. I seriously don't know what we'll do without him. He's the glue that's holding the rest of us in store together. Christy and I are going job hunting soon. Mike is going to wake up one day and not have any in store workers. And, then again, he's the reason everyone wants to quit.

Three more days until I leave for Miami to *HOPEFULLY* watch USC kick Oklahoma University's butt!! GO USC!!

Ringin' In The New Year...

2005-01-01T06:34:48Z

Well, like any other sap that truly has no life in the world, I sat on my couch, lounging in scrub pants and my HOSA t-shirt, moping as I watched that damned ball drop in NYC. One more year under my belt. And, ten more days til my eighteenth birthday. That's about the only excitement of my night, sans the brief visit from Joel and Christy--which, by the way, brightened my whole day. Nine hours in car will do wonders to your psyche. Alas, it is one more year that I feel utterly alone. Desolate, if you wouldn't mind me taking it that far. No one to cuddle with. No one to watch the ball drop with. No one even to kiss at midnight. Just me, myself, and I. Oh, and my dog.

Now, that 2005 has been officially rung in by Regis Philbin--substitute for the ill Dick Clark, really now, how can one even begin to think of ever actually *replacing* Dick Clark?--I find myself in deep recollection of that past year's events. Not much happened, worthy of any brilliant immortalization in my journal. The only things I can do truly say I'm grateful for this past year are as follows: my family--even if they drive me absolutely bonkers most of the time, my grandpa being alive, my dad surviving a horrible, and most terrible heart attack, my ever-evolving and increasingly closer friendship with both Joel and Christy, my brief travels across the states to see my beloved Buckeyes, even though I sat at one game in the opponents' colors, and the most important one of all, the beautiful fact that I am alive. Utterly and breathtakingly alive when not even a year and a half ago, I so hoped and prayed to die. Truthfully, 2004 was rather satisfying for me.

In 20/20 hindsight, every measly little mistake you make becomes clear and there's no other option but to laugh at yourself for how ridiculus and asinine you were at the lapse of momentary judgement. I can easily say I made my fair share of idiotic mistakes in 2004, but no matter how cliche it may sound, 2005 has arrived and it is a brand-new year, ready to be lived, enjoyed, cherished and remembered forever. I'm curious to what will happen this year. So much destruction and turmoil has taken place not even two weeks prior to the arrival of 2005, and now, what will it hold for all those who were devestatingly affected in the last, remaining days of 2004?

Aside from the global troubles churning away in the distance, I must come to a solid resolution that I promise myself I will uphold and execute. Can't really think of one, but then again, it's only the wee hours of January 1, 2005. More like 1:26 AM.

A line from Kate & Leopold sticks out in my mind, though: "I've never been good with men." Spoken by Meg Ryan herself. That's true to form, for me anyways. I botched a conversation with a cute Ohio State band member in the mall in San Antonio. No name. No nothing. Although, he looked tragically adorable in the stuffy band outfit. Sheesh, we're not even two hours into 2005 and I'm already the reigning queen of pessimism. Perhaps, I should concoct a resolution to obtain better skills in the male-seeking department...Any thoughts on how to help pathetic, tragic little ole me?
Didn't think so.

To Joel and Christy: Happy 2005 and with all the hope and faith in my heart, happy future years together. I love you both dearly and you deserve only the best of happiness...with one another.

Long Day.

2004-12-08T03:53:38Z

Another long day to add to the list of endless long days. Although, I did get a nap in, which made me very happy. I even started my research paper. Have over 300 words written. Tons more to go, though. Also, had to fix my outline. I hope that's better, as well.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try and get off work early. That probably won't even work. Stupid Mike. I wish I had another job ready and waiting so I could quit. Didn't work out getting the job at Bruster's. Grr.

Okay, so I really don't have anything else to write.

So...loneliness bites...

2004-12-07T03:54:12Z

I couldn't think of a better subject to put, so alas, the neverending statement of truth! :( It does, ya know? It bites. The big one.

Found out some horrible, stab-to-the-heart news today. Well, I've kind of known all along, but today it was a definite. Concrete and it went straight to the heart. Nathan has a girlfriend. Poor, sad, little me. He was talking about what he got her for Christmas...such a sweet boyfriend. Actually buys things for his girlfriend. Ha. What a concept. He bought her roses...Roses!! My favorite!!...and a pair of earrings. Expensive earrings. Wow. Another concept...He doesn't care about price when it comes to buying something for a girl he cares about. Go figure. Sorry, I'm returning to my bitter days when I was with *him.*

Okay, so another thing, I realllly need to raise my grades. They're flat-out pitiful. Pitiful. That's the only word I can think of to describe them. And, then again, how I'm going to do that I don't know because my schedule at work was shifted into overdrive. No more weekends for me.

*sigh*

Cried Friday night. Stupid Mike. I shouldn't let him get to me. Along with no weekends, looks like no raise for me in the future. I need to learn how to put a rack up. Guess that's my weekend homework Sunday mornings with Joel. Learn to put up dough.

*another sigh*

I want someone to hold me...

So, Yes...

2004-11-30T02:28:32Z

...Joel and Christy. Official. Finally. And, that's all there is to say about that. :)

Nahh, I'm happy for them. Joel is amazing and Christy can finally relax and know, no matter what, that he cares for her just the way she is. They're wonderful together and I couldn't ask for a better guy for my best friend than Joel.

Well, it's also official, okay, so maybe it has been for quite some time now. I feel very, I mean *VERY* alone. Carrera has a boyfriend now. Who would'a ever thought that one possible. But, alas, the powers that be have blessed her with a freshman from FSU. Now, you may ask, whom may I be talking to as of this beautiful moment in life? No one. That was a simple enough question to answer.

My day stunk. Royally. Bad morning progressed into a bad first period, got a big fat ZERO on a 40-point assignment in English, was quickly assigned a 2000-word research paper due in a little over three weeks, wanted to cry at work because I don't want to be there anymore, AND saw Brandon...Didn't talk to him, though. Just saw him. Made me think. He looked good. Damn him. Still looks good. But, no matter what, I still think of all the bad stuff that went on and I hate him more and more than I did the previous minute of hating him.

There were some good things that happened today. Christy, Joel, Lacee and Bri came to see me at work. Made me very happy. A lot, a lot, a lot happy!! :) Applied at Bruster's and I very happily know a girl that works there who said she would put in a good word for me. I'm praying I get that job. I really want it. *Cross Your Fingers Folks!*

Well, I'm OFF! To go wash my face, pull on my PJ's, climb into bed and read my book before falling into DreamLand. :)

G'Night ALL!!

I'm Bored...

2004-11-26T05:30:08Z

Information:
1. Name: Samantha Marie
2. Single -or- Taken: *Sighs* Single...
3. Sex: Female
4. Birthday: January 11, 1987
5. Deathday: What kind of question is that? If I had one as of now, I wouldn't be filling this thing out...
6. Siblings: Too many. -lol-
7. Hair color: Technically, strawberry-blond.
8. Eye Color: Blue
9. Shoe Size: 8
10. Height: 5'4"

Relationships
1. Who Are Your Best Friends?: Katie, Christy, Tori, Aimee
2. Do You Have A B/F, G?F?: I think I've answered this already. I'm single, thus, NO BF!.
3. If So, What Do You Think Of Him/Her?: Nothing to write...lalalalalalalala....
4. Have You Ever Hated Him/Her For Doing Something Bad?: Nothing to write...lalalalalalalala..
5. Have You Ever Cheated On Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend?: Nothing to write...lalalalalalalala...

Fashion Stuff
1. Where Is Your Favorite Place To Shop?: American Eagle
2. Any Tattoos -or- Piercings?: Just my ears.

Specifics
1. Do You Do Drugs?: What kind of question is that?? NOO!!
2. What Kind Of Shampoo Do You Use?: Finesse
3. What Are You Most Scared Of?: Too many things...
5. Who Is The Last Person That Called You?: Aimeekins
6. Where Do You Want To Get Married?: In Vermont.
7. How Many Buddies Are Online Right Now?: 3
8. What Would You Change About Your Life?: Me being sinle.
9. How's Life?: Pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.

Favorites
1. Colors: Baby Pink, Yellow and Blue.
2. Food: Apple Pie, Pasta, Chicken, Chubby Hubby Ice Cream.
3. Boys Names: Jason, Eden, Nathan, Noah, Joel and Ethan.
4. Girls Names: Hannah, Alexa, Olivia, and Sophia.
5. Subjects In School: English, First Responders and Psychology.
5. Favorite Teacher(s): Mr. Howes, Mrs. Hardman, Mrs. Dubendorff, Mrs. Knapp and Mr. Campbell.
6. Animals: Bear cubs--They're *SO* cute!!--pigs, and dogs.
7. Sports: COLLEGE FOOTBALL! GO BUCKS!

Have You Ever...
1. Given Anyone A Bath?: Yes...lol- Ethan. I miss him!!
2. Smoked?: Can't say that I have.
3. Bungee Jumped?: No and never will, either.
4. Made Yourself Throw Up?: Can't say that I have in the sense of sticking a finger down my throat, but attempting to will myself to throw up...yeah, I guess I have done that.
5. Skinny Dipped?: No, but I'd like to try! *evil smirk*
6: Ever Been In Love?: *tear falls down cheek* Yes...
7. Made Yourself Cry To Get Out Of Trouble?: No, b/c it wouldn't work!!
8. Pictured Your Crush Naked?: On more than one occasion!
9. Actually Seen Your Crush Naked?: With his shirt off...
10. Cried When Someone Died?: Of Course! I do have emotions, ya know!
11. Lied: Doesn't everyone lie at least once in their lifetime?
12. Fallen For Your Best Friend?: Lets not rehash that memory, okay? Thanks!
13. Been Rejected: Lets not go there either...okay? Thanks again!
14. Rejected Somone?: Oh yes. Too many times to count.
15. Used Someone?: I like to think I used him, but then I wake up and smell reality and realize, brutally so, that he used me...
16. Done Something To Regret?: *sighs* Yes...
17. Skipped?: Hell Yeah.
18. Back Down From A Fight?: Yes, because I'm a coward and I don't like confrontation. lol-

Current
1. Clothes: AE Jeans, AE shirt, AE belt and Purde Sweatshirt...see, I told you I love American Eagel. :)
2. Make-Up: Foundation, blush, blue eye shadow, mascara and eye liner. I feel human with make-up on! lol- And, I look more like one too!
3. Annoyance: My shoulder hurting.
4. Smell: Turkey Day leftovers.
5. Favorite Group/Arist: Jason Lane, Rascall Flatts, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson.
6. Desktop Picture: Ryan Gosling.
7. Book You're Reading: Night Sins by Tami Hoag
8. In CD Player: Britney Spears Greatest Hits: My Prerogative
9. In DVD Player: Notting Hill
10. Food/Drinks: None at the moment.

The Last Person...
1. You Touched: Does petting my dog count?
2. Hugged: Again, does my dog count?
3. You IM'ed: Ron and Aimeekins
4. You Yelled At: Peter from work.
5. You Kissed: Brandon. *grumbles and makes a face at* What was I thinking???
6. Had Sex With: Again, Brandon.
7. You Saw: My mom and step-dad.
8. Phoned: Aimeekins

Opposite Sex
1. What Attracts You: Smile, Laugh and how they carry on a conversation.
2. Last Person You Slowed Danced With: Oh my goodness...lol- I think Corey at the Halloween Dance, 8th grade year...that's how long it's been since I've slow danced!!
3. Makes You Laugh The Most: Christy and Tori.
4. Who Do You Have A Crush On: Nathan and Drew.
5. Sat On The Internet All Night Waiting For That Someone Special To IM You?: No, he doesn't even have my SN.
6. wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: nto really. boys smell funny.
7. wish you were younger: nope. well, sometimes. when i get emo i do.
8. cried because someone said something to you?: not in front of them

Number...
1. Of Times Heart Has Been Broken: Once
2. Of Hearts Your Have Broken: None that I know of...
3. Of Guys You've Kissed: That's easy...2.
4. Of Girls You've Kissed: HAHA! 1, and that was Rachel. We were teasing Stephen.
5. Of Continents You've Been To?: 1
6. Of Cool Friends: All of my friends are cool, otherwise I would not be hanging out with them. LoL-
7. Of CD's You Own: I have *NO* idea!
8. Of Scars On Your Body: Again, I have *NO* idea. lol- I don't particularly sit around my house, counting the tiniest of scars I may or may not have. I *do* have more of a life than THAT!

Final Questions--YAY!
1. Do You Like Filling These Out?: Not in the least, but I'm *WAY* bored.
2. Gold -or- Silver: Silver--most definitely.
3. What Was The Last Film You Saw At The Movies?: The Incredibles
4. Favorite Cartoon/Anime?: The Rugrates
5. What Did You Have For Breakfast This Morning: Nothing. Saving room for all the yummies for Turkey Day!
6. Who Would You Like To Be Locked In A Room With?: Nathan, Justin Timberlake and Jude Law!! ;)
7. Could You Live Without Your Computer?: No Way In Hell.
8. Would You Color Your Hair?: Yes.
9. Could You Get Off The Computer?: Yeah, I do it almost every day that I start to use it.
10. Habla Espanol?: Si...sort of. lol-
11. How Many People Are On Your Buddy List?: I don't really know...
12. Drink Alcohol?: Not regularly.

I Hate Boys

2004-11-10T03:09:12Z

Those three words should sum it all up quite nicely. I. Hate. Boys. Boys suck. You ask why? No particular reason, except that it's common knowledge that they do. And, I hate crushes. I really, really do. Especially when I can do absolutely nothing about it. I mean, he's on a different level than I am and I have no idea how to go about even getting him to notice me. I'm not good with boys. I never have been and I don't think I ever will be. I have to be reservations and doubts. It's too scary to let go of those. Not to mention, am I really ready to even be in a relationship? Who knows. Because I'm not in one and it's not lookin' good for me being in one any time soon. I do have my eyes on a particular boy, but like I just stated, we're not even on the same hemisphere, let alone him actually *gasp* noticing me.

Anyways...I think I'm getting sick again. *sigh* 2 days left til Christy and I leave for Indiana. YAY! Vacation. It's about damn time.

This following song is for you know who. You'll realize it's for you by the content of it. (I love you, and no matter what girl, I'm here for you and you'll figure this out.)

When It Comes To You
I really want to find my way
I'm tired living day to day
When I'm in your arms I feel alone
Here is the only place I feel at home
And, I'm sure that you need me now
And, I want you here somehow
But, I don't know what to do
When it comes to you, yeah, yeah
When it comes to you
You don't have to lie to me
I'm really not as blind as I used to be
It's funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the feeling of being hurt
Chorus